For the better part of my adult life, I have found myself defending my decision to not have children. In service of myself and others who don’t know they are actually “allowed” to not want children, I thought I would write a nice little post sizing up all the reasons why I’m not planning on cooking up any itty bitty Smitties anytime soon. Or ever.
In our informational age, I figure instead of digging into all of my reasoning, I can simply hand over this link and have ‘em read up for themselves. After over a decade of the same damn explanation… I’m sorta done. Also, I really want women out there who feel pressured to have kids for any reason other than it being a desire of their own heart, to know that you get to make this choice for YOU… not for society… sure as fuck not for your parents to be grandparents, and to know that NO… THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU if your model didn’t come with a built-in biological clock.
Reason #1: I love Mr. Smith too much.
Reason #1: I love Mr. Smith too much. And I simply don’t want to share. I already feel like we have to fight for time together and I’m not looking to make that harder in any way. I always found it so bizarre that people who were once smitten with their spouse all of sudden forgot about them once kids came into the mix. You find people all the time who can’t wait to show you pics of their little ones, but how many people bust out a pic of their soulmate and gush? Not many. In fact, none that I’ve ever come across. Now, many may argue that you don’t know true love until you experience loving a child. I would like to counter that argument: I don’t know that many people really experience soul mate status with a spouse or partner either. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard that argument from someone who would say they are with their soulmate and are unbelievably happy in their relationship. It seems to be pretty common to be madly in love with your kids, but fairly uncommon to be madly in love with your spouse. I feel so incredibly blessed to have the latter and I’m pretty damn content with that. I do think it is possible to still stay super happy in your marriage with children, but I do think it’s pretty fuckin’ rare, and I’m just simply not willing to work that hard.
If I wasn’t so unbelievably happy and fulfilled in my marriage, I may have considered kids. I think children really do provide fulfillment and richness for many people. I just simply don’t have that void.
Reason #2: I believe we are way too versatile as humans to only be fulfilled through having a child. I get why people want kids… I truly do. I just never understood why they couldn’t understand that I didn’t. I really believe everyone is fulfilled in totally different ways. For some, bringing a child into this world is the most fulfilling event they could ever experience. I think it is super shallow to think it is the ONLY avenue towards fulfillment. I don’t think marriage is for everyone either. Or adventure. Or being creative. We’re all fulfilled in different ways. Period.
Another consistency I’ve found over the last fifteen years… People who are truly at peace with the decisions they have made in their own lives applaud my choice. They understand that people are fulfilled in different ways. They champion me in living in accordance with what fulfills ME. People who are NOT happy with their own choices, however, and bitter in their roles as parents, can’t wait to chastise me for my choice. Can’t wait to unleash the guilt trips.
Reason #3: I simply enjoy adults. And adult conversation.
Reason #3: I simply enjoy adults. And adult conversation. I’m just plain-old not a fan of children. Unless they literally act like adults. Or are quiet, immobile, and clean. My niece is definitely an exception… and my bestie’s little nuggets… (Not wanting kids doesn’t equal heartless bitch).
Reason #4: I’m not fulfilled by care-giving. I have a black thumb and can’t even keep bamboo alive. I’m majorly put out by finding sitters for my pets. For Christ’s sake, Mr. Smith and I do all our own laundry, grocery shopping, and cooking… so… yeah… care-giving really isn’t my thing.
Reason #5: I’m not afraid of being alone. If I am 90 and alone, I’ll be just fine. I don’t need huge Christmas celebrations. I already feel like the most intimate relationships I have in my life aren’t with blood, so I’m pretty certain I’ll create an amazing community around me during all decades of my life.
Reason #5: I’m not afraid of being alone.
Reason #6: I’m not willing to put my body through pregnancy.
Reason #7: I believe that THE ONLY GOOD REASON to have children is that it is truly a passionate desire of your heart. Not because your parents want grandkids, or your culture says it’s a must, or you’re afraid of being alone when you’re old, or you and your partner are really amazing people, or any of the other bullshit reasons people have kids. Just because Mr. Smith and I would be amazing parents, doesn’t mean it’s a desire of our hearts. I’m also really great at makeup artistry, but doing it as a career makes me want to puke. Not a desire of my heart = null and void.
Reason #8: Freedom, everything financial, sharp corners, school districts, sleep, and leaving social events on my own terms.
Reason #9: I know I would love my kids, I just don’t think I would love my life. Pretty straightforward here: I’m willing to not know what it’s like to have children in order to have other things in my life.
Reason #10: I’m super stoked with my current legacy.
So… There you have it. Again, I want to be very clear that this post was about ME… not me telling everyone not to have kids, or not supporting those who do. I believe that each and every person needs to make decisions that line up with their own heart’s desires.
I have, however, come across a multitude of women who feel ashamed about not wanting children and are afraid to even voice it. Like they somehow aren’t allowed. Like it makes you a bad person in some way. Or that there is something wrong with you. If this is you, this is what I need you to hear… THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! This life you got here… IT’S YOURS. Not anyone else’s. Make choices that fulfill YOU. And stop fucking apologizing for it.
Powered by Facebook Comments