For the better part of my adult life, I have found myself defending my decision to not have children. In service of myself and others who don’t know they are actually “allowed” to not want children, I thought I would write a nice little post sizing up all the reasons why I’m not planning on cooking up any itty bitty Smitties anytime soon. Or ever.
In our informational age, I figure instead of digging into all of my reasoning, I can simply hand over this link and have ‘em read up for themselves. After over a decade of the same damn explanation… I’m sorta done. Also, I really want women out there who feel pressured to have kids for any reason other than it being a desire of their own heart, to know that you get to make this choice for YOU… not for society… sure as fuck not for your parents to be grandparents, and to know that NO… THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU if your model didn’t come with a built-in biological clock.
Reason #1: I love Mr. Smith too much.
Reason #1: I love Mr. Smith too much. And I simply don’t want to share. I already feel like we have to fight for time together and I’m not looking to make that harder in any way. I always found it so bizarre that people who were once smitten with their spouse all of sudden forgot about them once kids came into the mix. You find people all the time who can’t wait to show you pics of their little ones, but how many people bust out a pic of their soulmate and gush? Not many. In fact, none that I’ve ever come across. Now, many may argue that you don’t know true love until you experience loving a child. I would like to counter that argument: I don’t know that many people really experience soul mate status with a spouse or partner either. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard that argument from someone who would say they are with their soulmate and are unbelievably happy in their relationship. It seems to be pretty common to be madly in love with your kids, but fairly uncommon to be madly in love with your spouse. I feel so incredibly blessed to have the latter and I’m pretty damn content with that. I do think it is possible to still stay super happy in your marriage with children, but I do think it’s pretty fuckin’ rare, and I’m just simply not willing to work that hard.
If I wasn’t so unbelievably happy and fulfilled in my marriage, I may have considered kids. I think children really do provide fulfillment and richness for many people. I just simply don’t have that void.
Reason #2: I believe we are way too versatile as humans to only be fulfilled through having a child. I get why people want kids… I truly do. I just never understood why they couldn’t understand that I didn’t. I really believe everyone is fulfilled in totally different ways. For some, bringing a child into this world is the most fulfilling event they could ever experience. I think it is super shallow to think it is the ONLY avenue towards fulfillment. I don’t think marriage is for everyone either. Or adventure. Or being creative. We’re all fulfilled in different ways. Period.
Another consistency I’ve found over the last fifteen years… People who are truly at peace with the decisions they have made in their own lives applaud my choice. They understand that people are fulfilled in different ways. They champion me in living in accordance with what fulfills ME. People who are NOT happy with their own choices, however, and bitter in their roles as parents, can’t wait to chastise me for my choice. Can’t wait to unleash the guilt trips.
Reason #3: I simply enjoy adults. And adult conversation.
Reason #3: I simply enjoy adults. And adult conversation. I’m just plain-old not a fan of children. Unless they literally act like adults. Or are quiet, immobile, and clean. My niece is definitely an exception… and my bestie’s little nuggets… (Not wanting kids doesn’t equal heartless bitch).
Reason #4: I’m not fulfilled by care-giving. I have a black thumb and can’t even keep bamboo alive. I’m majorly put out by finding sitters for my pets. For Christ’s sake, Mr. Smith and I do all our own laundry, grocery shopping, and cooking… so… yeah… care-giving really isn’t my thing.
Reason #5: I’m not afraid of being alone. If I am 90 and alone, I’ll be just fine. I don’t need huge Christmas celebrations. I already feel like the most intimate relationships I have in my life aren’t with blood, so I’m pretty certain I’ll create an amazing community around me during all decades of my life.
Reason #5: I’m not afraid of being alone.
Reason #6: I’m not willing to put my body through pregnancy.
Reason #7: I believe that THE ONLY GOOD REASON to have children is that it is truly a passionate desire of your heart. Not because your parents want grandkids, or your culture says it’s a must, or you’re afraid of being alone when you’re old, or you and your partner are really amazing people, or any of the other bullshit reasons people have kids. Just because Mr. Smith and I would be amazing parents, doesn’t mean it’s a desire of our hearts. I’m also really great at makeup artistry, but doing it as a career makes me want to puke. Not a desire of my heart = null and void.
Reason #8: Freedom, everything financial, sharp corners, school districts, sleep, and leaving social events on my own terms.
Reason #9: I know I would love my kids, I just don’t think I would love my life. Pretty straightforward here: I’m willing to not know what it’s like to have children in order to have other things in my life.
Reason #10: I’m super stoked with my current legacy.
So… There you have it. Again, I want to be very clear that this post was about ME… not me telling everyone not to have kids, or not supporting those who do. I believe that each and every person needs to make decisions that line up with their own heart’s desires.
I have, however, come across a multitude of women who feel ashamed about not wanting children and are afraid to even voice it. Like they somehow aren’t allowed. Like it makes you a bad person in some way. Or that there is something wrong with you. If this is you, this is what I need you to hear… THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! This life you got here… IT’S YOURS. Not anyone else’s. Make choices that fulfill YOU. And stop fucking apologizing for it.
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Amy, this post made my day! Good work!
Yay! Thanks, Kate! I have always felt that it was super shitty that if you don’t want kids, you need to explain it, but if you do want kids, you don’t? No one gets grilled about why they DO want kids, right? Never seemed very fair to me concidering IT’S MY FUCKING LIFE and BODY! I felt like such a broken record, so I figured having a link to hand out would be easier! LOL.
My husband and I decided when we first met that we weren’t going to have children. He didn’t want them because it would mean he would be inconvenienced. I thought that was a pretty lame excuse, but hey! He told me who he was and I wasn’t going to argue. I didn’t want children because I was terrified that I wouldn’t survive the birth or would be severely compromised thereafter. My body is just a big ol’ mess and I honestly didn’t think the stress of having a baby was going to help that mess at all. I also get so angry so quickly, that it even frightens me sometimes – that I was a little afraid that I might not be able to control that with my children.
I blame my Mother LOL! She told me so many thousands of times not to get pregnant that I didn’t.
I was told my more than one opinionated person that it was a selfish act not to have children. I never really had a response as I thought, well hell ya it’s selfish! I don’t want to haul kids around with me on my spontaneous road trips!
I love my nieces to pieces. If my sister and her husband could no longer take care of them I would be the very first person in line to raise them. But I will be forever grateful that I didn’t have my own. I am a caregiver to many people who come into my little world and it’s a joy to come home each day to my little space with just my spouse.
Hey, Kristin! OMG… don’t get me started on the whole “selfish” thing. First of all, HAVING children is one of the most selfish things you can do! Why do people have kids? Because it fulfills THEM… it’s something THEY want, it’s a desire of their heart, right? I think we all need to be more selfish… put what WE want first… whether that is to have kids or not have kids. The problem I have with that statement is that it is meant as a slam… it’s a chastising… an admonishment. I certainly agree with it being selfish, but I don’t think selfish is a bad thing and I also think having children because you WANT them is selfish… also not a bad thing.
Woman always seem to have to defend their choices, regardless of what those choices are! My husband and I were always on the fence I didn’t have an overwhelming desire to have kids and he always said it’s up to you; well one great trip to the Bahamas minus birth control and 7 yrs later we have an awesome little girl BUT other people are always like oh you don’t want more kids? Why didn’t you have another baby?? On and on and I’m like um we aren’t too sure about the one we got, don’t want anymore (haha)! I think it’s wonderful to be sure of your decisions and live them and not give into pressure of the world to procreate! She has absolutely fufilled me in a way I didn’t know was possible but that’s me, and you don’t miss what you do have! Also I have plenty of friends who don’t have kids and I don’t subject them to mine…like I won’t bring my kid to their houses and such, if they decline to come to mine it’s fine with me! Rock on, Amy! But just know it’s not just you! It’s judgmental people!
Well said, Charley!! I think society is just as hard on people about having only one kid. Fucking BACK OFF, right? It sounds like you are a totally responsible parent and understand that just because you are madly in love with your daughter, not everyone else is. I absolutely LOVE my little doggies, but I totaly recognize that not everyone thinks dogs are cute and wants them drooling and jumping up on them. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and way to honor the desires of your heart!! xo
Brilliant post, Amy. I give big props to anyone who says “It’s my life and I truly do get to create it how I want it.” I have to say that #1, #2 and #7 are my favorites. Kudos.
Thank you so much, Jeffrey! I greatly appreciate you taking the time to read and comment! I got married when I was 20, and everytime I said, “My husband… such and such…” people automatically assumed I was knocked up or had kids or HAD TO GET MARRIED. Why else would a 20 year old get married if she wasn’t knocked up? They would go, “Oh… so do you have kids?” and I would always say, “No, we actually don’t really like them.” It never got old to see people’s reaction. LOL.
Ooo ooo! Me too! I got married a few month’s shy of my 20 birthday. You can BET everyone in that church was smiling smugly like they KNEW why. (never mind we’d been engaged a year and a half!) Fast forward 29 yrs later, still madly in love, and everyone in that church is still wondering what happened…thpppt! :0
Awesome post Amy! Great job of catching my attention with the no babies logo on your newsletter.
I totally agree with you on every single point. Having kids should be an option based on true passion and not for the reason to become happy or not to be alone. I’ve seen too many dysfunctional families for that. I believe the most important thing is being happy with yourself. My take on this topic is since I have lived many lives in the past and I will in the future, I can do without kids in this lifetime. 
YES!! YES! YES! Well said, Yasko! I love the idea of the other lifetimes… totally forgot about that! LOL! Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts! I agree with you… too many people have kids who shouldn’t!!
I just commented on Facebook, but i want to add something, yes i dont want to have kids because i dont want to, i dont base my decisions on please people, but i live in México, im 31 and single, imagine what people say about me, imagine what happened when you tell them you dont want to marry yet (maybe never) or having kids, they think im such a liar, a weirdo or a loser who cant get a man. My mom supports my decision, but the poor has to deal with people who ask if im already married just because their daughters married or get pregnant at age of 18-20. Bitch, please.
Claudia! I hear you! It can be brutal to make this choice in some cultures! Congrats on staying firm in what YOU WANT. Too many people live their lives for other people which often leads to bitterness and unhappiness. I applaude you for know what you want and sticking to it! Thanks so much for your comment!
You couldn’t've posted this at a better time in my life Amy! I’ve just recently heard about 8 or so girls I went to school with who are pregnant or have had kids already and I kind of feel like I should be as well, but I know I’m not ready for that, if I even want kids at all. I don’t do well with babies (ask my boyfriend – I didn’t like any of his cousins until they could start to walk!!) and the commitment!! I have better things to do with my life right now than be a baby slave, thanks.
Thanks for posting this and making me feel less alone. =)
Yay, Lana!! That is exactly why I wrote this… so women like YOU would know that they aren’t alone. This is definitely a pro-creating world we live in, but is certainly doesn’t mean it’s the only option. So glad you found encouragement in this post and I so appreciate you taking the time to read and comment! Much love!
I just hope in #3 you’re talking about my kids. Cuz I KNOW you love mine…..just sayin.
P.S. So, I guess this means we have to re-do our will that says you and Mr. Smith get our kids if we die???
LOL! Yes, #3 is referring to your lovelies! I was just looking at pics of them on Facebook and I can’t believe how big they are getting!
I couldn’t have said it better myself. I love my life the way it is and honestly don’t see children as an enhancement to it.
Right?!! I always thought it was god’s form of population control. Then man created “societal obligations” and fucked it all up. Thanks so much for reading! xo
Thanks, Amy, for telling it like it is. I never had children, though always imagined that I would and grieved that I didn’t. Now that I read your thoughts and feelings about the subject, I am letting go of that subtly “less than” feeling that arises in me when a parent asks me, “Do you have kids?” and I reply, “No…unfortunately.” Now it will just be, “No” and move on. Also, now that I moved past the grieving stage, I can see the benefits of not having had children – the world is my oyster, and I’m loving the pearls. And I send the mother aspects of me into life through creative endeavors and mother-loving my self.
Laurie! I love it! There is no shame in not having children! I love that you can now move on! We are more than just childbearers in this life and I’m guessing you have quite a bit to offer this world! Here’s to those pearls! xo
I LOVE your 10 Reasons on why you aren’t having kids! I applaud you for your honesty and openness. I applaud you for the fact of you truly KNOWING what you want and what you don’t want and the reasons why. I am a mother of two, who has many friends who do not have children, whether by choice or not and I have always believed in honoring their decisions to or not to have children, and not badgering them about it, either way. I was born to have a child, I thought I was going to have 10, but that is just not how the way of the world works. I believe in everyone’s freedom of choice. I adore my husband, but yes, you are right, I do gush over my children and not my husband as much as I used to, though I have been better about that.
(For whatever it’s worth…)
Thank you again for such a great article.
You are one kick ass girl, and I think you are just fabulous – and I have only just found your website and read one of your blogs so far, but intend on reading many more! You are an inspiration to mothers and non-mothers – whether you know it or not, that blog you wrote really resonated in me as a mom…
My children don’t define me as a person, they just give me more to worry about at the beginning and end of the day… HAHAHA!!!
Alyssa!! Thank you soooooooooooo much for sharing your thoughts and I so appreciate you taking the time to comment and read through my rants! I love the stance you take on giving everyone the permission to choose what works for them instead of making them wrong! Thank you for your kind words and I do hope to see you around the JJ community! Lots of discussions on fb too if you wanna hang: go HERE. Huge Love, sister!! xo
I’m already a fan on your FB page!!! I beat you to it…
(BTW, LOVE LOVE LOVE the video you made too! You and Andrea Owen are Absolutely hilarious!)
Oh how refreshing to read your post. I made the choice not to have children before I met my husband. Initially he thought it was strange that I did not want children and then after discussing it more, he realised that he had thought he’d have children because it was what society expected. I was told by his godmother that I was being selfish and that he would make an excellent father and that I should reconsider marrying him because I would hold him back. He made the choice not to have children years before we got married.
I’ve found myself on a number of occasions having to justify to complete strangers our choice and have been told more than I can count that I should seriously reconsider because when I’m much older, I’ll be alone. I too am fine with spending time alone. My husband is a pilot and is often away for a couple of nights in a row. I actually cherish that time because I get to do something that I really want to do that doesn’t include him.
Thanks for writing this post. It is nice to know there are other women who feel the same. It is a choice we can make.
Nicole x
Nicole!! OMG!! YES, YES, YES!! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. It always completely blew my mind that we are just supposed to be on board and completely understand why everyone else wants children, yet we aren’t given the same respect back. Pissed me off, actually. I’ve just gotten in the habit of knowing that IT’S MY FUCKING LIFE and if I feel like explaining, great, if not, great too. I wanted to release this post primarily to let other women know that they are absolutely allowed to feel however they want to about having children or not. Nothing is wrong with you if you don’t have the desire. Also, you don’t have to feel “selfish”… in fact that always pissed me off too… why do people have children? Because they WANT them… it’s a desire of THEIR heart… they don’t want to be alone later… they want a full house during holidays… sounds like in service of self to me, no? What pisses me off is that people throw around “selfish” as a slam, and in fact I think we all should be a bit more selfish! In a good way!! Follow the desires of our hearts!! If loving yourself and putting your desires first (instead of listening to society, family, friends, whatever) means having a child, awesome! IF not, equally as awesome!! Thanks again for hanging out and sharing your story! Much love, dear friend! xo
Thank you thank you thank you for this.I’ve never had the interest to have children — I don’t hate kids, but I’m not a fan of them, either, and I will *not* hold babies, no matter how many times you ask me if I’m sure.I am perfectly and incandescently happy with my husband, and your rule #9 totally sums up everything I think about (not) having kids into one phrase. I just don’t think that it’s fair to have them if I can say, without a doubt, that somewhere down the line I’m going to resent them for not being able to do what I want to do, whether it’s something as simple as not going to the movies with my husband because we couldn’t find a sitter or having to turn down a career opportunity because I don’t want to pull the kid out of a school they’re already used to. If that makes me selfish, then that’s fine — I’d rather deal with being selfish than being guilty because I regretted a life-altering decision I made based on pressure from forces outside my own marriage.
Thank you so much for your comment Rebecca and you are soooo welcome! I really wanted other women out there to know that they aren’t alone! Also, I think I left a comment for someone else about being selfish. Selfish doesn’t have to be a bad thing… in my opinion we need more people standing up for what they really want instead of living for others or society’s standard or in-laws or whatever. Plus, why do people have kids? To fulfill a desire or need, right? Something they WANT. Sounds pretty self-serving to me. BUT, good! Not in a bad way! I think we ALL need to act in a self-serving manner with our choices! Choose for YOU and YOUR desires… not everyone else! Thank you, again, and giiiiiirl, you aren’t alone! Huge Love!! xo
THANK YOU for this post! A big reason for me, other than being COMPLETELY UNINTERESTED, is that bringing another [privileged, white, "middle-class", etc.] American into the world is quite possibly the single most destructive thing I could possibly do for the planet. So there’s actually a moral imperative to stop breeding, for the sake of the Earth.
PS for extra lolz, go here: http://fuckyeahchildfree.tumblr.com/
Rachael!! OMG!! Mr. Smith and I had such a great laugh at your comment! Sooooo great! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and the link! My new favorite site! So, yep, we’re not alone. Much love to you for reading and commenting! xo
I have felt this same exact way since I was a teenager. I love my own life and my own journey, and am quite content in it. I also feel that children are a 100% commitment- they can’t be sent back. I have never felt ready to make that large of a commitment to another person, especially one that’s entire well being would be my responsibility. Oh, this article just made me so damn happy!!
Beth! So glad you enjoyed the post! I truly wanted women who felt the same as I to know that they really aren’t alone and that whatever choices they make for their lives is perfect! Thank you so very much for taking the time to read and comment! Much love to you!
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Amy, can I get a FUCK YEAH! ok dramatics and high fives aside, I heart your article, your rationale. the more we celebrate and get the message out there, that yes ladies, being all women is not womb and late night feelings, the more women can celebrate each other and what makes us unique. It’s interesting, I see my friends have kids and slowly but surely, the mommy brain takes hold and I see them slip away into never never land. I have been certain I do not want children since…well since I was a child. My take is, unless you are 150% committed, you are not ready. It’s one of the most challenging and important jobs in the world. As we say down under..it’s not my cup of tea. Noise, mess, endless wants and needs, financial drains, loss of FREEDOM..oh dear I better stop. It’s giving me heart palpitations thinking about it. Ps, love your boldness to say hey. Me no wanna share my man! Amen sista.
Anita
Hey, Anita! So glad you found some value in this post! I just want to do my small part to let women everywhere know that whatever their heart is calling them to do, is just fine. To truly live on their own terms… whatever that looks like! Thank you so much for swinging by and sharing your thoughts! Much love, sister!
I feel exactly the same way…. I’m only 23 got married at 21 and I’ve had lots of people ask why I got married or when I’m planning on having kids. I think it’s sad that so many people get married for reasons other then loving their significant other. Me and my husband have discussed it and I see no real reason to have kids, other then all the pressure from other people. I enjoy my life and the ability to do what I want when I want. If that makes me selfish then so be it. I would rather be called selfish and not have a child then bring one into the world and resent them. Kudos to people for sticking up for what they believe in and following their own path in life.
Thanks for sharing, Lynn! I got married when I was 20, so everyone assumed that I got married because I was knocked up! LOL. I just think it’s super important that everyone makes choices based off of what they truly want and not the pressures of others. Way to go for honoring your desires! Thanks for swingin’ by! xo
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I love what you said here. I myself have three children but I respect that there are people out there who simply do not want kids. I think this is responsible. I think it also good to take actions to prevent the children you dont want and to not bring them into this world where you dont want them. I am always having to defend my decision to have my tubes tied. In the homeschool and religious communities especially I am constantly having to defend why we chose to stop. I felt three was enough. My sister in law has called me a selfish sinner (she has 4 kids and is due with her 5th! in January with no plans to stop!) She makes me sick. She cant afford the kids shes got yet thinks God is telling her to have more. I commend your decision. Keep it up!
hell yer well said
NOT having kids is awesome…
Someone told me that a kid from when it’s born till it’s 18 costs $100 000, but later he said, it cost much more, ’cause it costs all your free time, too. It’s like you make a kid and you are screwed for 20 years. I would much rather go to a prison for 5 years then to make someone pregnant.
… and what relatives, religion or society think, simply just F**K THEM!
They just bitch around, but if one is in a trouble, everyone just hides away.
F**K THEM ALL!
P.s.: …by the way, Earth is overpopulated already and running out of resources!!!
Hey, Gab… thanks so much for reading and commenting. I think it’s a shame that so many people pressure each other in this arena, but it is my personal mission to take a stand for myself and do so with kindness. I truly support everyone’s decision whether they choose to have children or not (as long as it’s for the right reasons). I didn’t write this post to try to talk people out of having kids… that would be the exact opposite of the message I want to convey. I wanted people to simply know that whatever they felt called to do in their heart of hearts, was just fine. Whether fam, society, or whoever didn’t agree. It’s all about honoring your own intuition and allowing that to be okay! Thanks again for reading!