Published June 29, 2012 | 
Sound familiar?
Honey, you aren’t alone. Click the image to below to listen to this audio blog about what to do if you find yourself attracted to someone else while in a committed relationship. Have a listen and let me know your thoughts.
(audio runs roughly 10 minutes)
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11 Responses to Holy Shit. I’m Married. And attracted to someone else.
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I agree with your message and checkpoints. It sounds like this has only happened to you once, which makes me think you’re speaking to a more serious attraction than I was picturing.
Oscar Wilde said, “The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it…” which resonates with me and–oddly–helps me come to conclusions where I feel proud of my actions without feeling at all suppressed (there are other ways to enjoy a “chocolate cake” than eating it). This situation is usually an exception for me, I usually end up feeling suppressed.
Any ideas on honoring your attraction/feelings without dis-honoring your relationship (or is it all about patience and discipline)?
Hey, Nicholas! Thanks so much for swingin’ by and listening! So… first off, for myself, I have found myself in two fairly serious attraction situations since I’ve been with Mr. Smith (spanning 15 years) and MULTIPLE times on a much lesser scale. I think many people think that if you find your soulmate, then magically you won’t be attracted to anyone else, and my purpose in this post was for people to grant themselves the permission to actually be human. It doesn’t have to threaten your capacity to love. So, how far you take that is up to what feels honoring for both you and your partner. I know that if I felt like Mr. Smith would be bummed out by my actions, then I am probably out of integrity in some way. In fact, that notion is what had me put the breaks on in both serious instances. I knew that my commitment to my marriage and integrity therein, trumped and superficial emotional attachment I was feeling toward someone else. So as far as honoring your relationship at the same time, I think it really comes down to the perimeters established in your relationship. For instance, I know a couple who are poly-amorous and have multiple sexual partners and dating relationships outside of their marriage, and despite what society would say, it works remarkably well for them. BUT, that has been clearly agreed upon, understood, and outlined by them. I do think that it takes a very evolved person to really sink into this whole concept around being attracted to other people, as I certainly couldn’t stomach that notion for years! I also agree with you that there are multiple ways to enjoy a chocolate cake! LOl! So, I would say, what would feel in integrity to you? Is it a matter of you majorly sacrificing a piece of who you are? (For instance, many homosexual persons will say that surpressing this part of them was truly destroying them. And the cost of care-taking for their relationship was costing them everything). Is it costing you something radical? Or is it simply a fleeting emotion? A passing attraction? That’s not really something I can assess for you. BUT, I can always point you toward honoring your intuition and making choices for yourself that come from integrity. Hope that helps! Thanks again for listening!! xo
Hi, Amy:
I’m really glad that you addressed this issue. It was good to hear for myself but also to consider my partner’s attractions to others as well. Your philosophy on this topic is so practical and so true. I agree with your analogy with the chocolate cake. That desire is fleeting and is ultimately not the best thing for our body. We are human, but we are thinking humans, capable of reasoning and rationale. We are not ruled by our emotions or our animal (for lack of a better way to put it) instincts. And this will probably make you laugh – I was so glad that you didn’t say, “oh, yeah – indulge!” I was thinking, “I really like everything this chick puts out there. I hope she’s not a bygamist, cuz I just can’t wrap my head around that one right now.”
Big Love,
Tammi
LOL! Tammi! Thank you so much for listening and commenting! I think that there are many levels to this sort of issue. I think it’s really about the understanding of the perimeters of the relationship (different for every couple) and honoring SELF at the same time. The answer is certainly not black and white but what I wanted people to see was two fold: a) you are allowed to feel whatever you feel and b) you are always at choice with your actions… your hands aren’t tied and we aren’t victims to our emotions, if that’s what we CHOOSE. It’s all about claiming your own personal power! Thank you so much for saying such kid words! Much love!
Hi! Your words were honey for my poor heart! I am in a serious relationship for nearly 5 years now. Before I met him, I felt realy attracted to this other guy, but I always felt that he was out of my league. Besides, he was with the perfect woman possible. So that put me to rest. Then I met my BF, and the entire male population vanished from my brain. And now this guy gives me a call, and we end up working long hours just the two of us. We are very polite to each other, but guess the turmoil in my heart. You are so right about saying that if you feed it, it;s gonna grow bigger. I didn’t have problems with me being human, but, boy, this is hard. Untill now, it was all about me, so my moral part was not a source of pressure. But now, a million questions hunt me. What if my BF was attracted to someone else, and then choose me? I would feel proud of him, and very loved. What if he will be attracted to someone new, maybe when I need him more. etc So I come up with this. All the energy I’m getting from this guy, I put in work. And, boy, this project is running smooth. I become more understanding with my BF, and the miracle I’ve been waiting for has happened. He became more carring, more opened about his struggles, his feeling. Of course, the sex live needs more time, but this has transformed from a deadend where I felt a victim, to a creative impulse for me to spice up my life and my relationship. Much love to you!
Yay, Emma! Thank you sooooo much for sharing your story with me! So honored! I’m so glad that you grabbed some good nuggets of info from this audio post. I think we will always have human impulses and urges, no matter how happy we are in our current relationship. I think it’s all about not making yourself wrong for feeling what you feel and at the same time being very conscious of your choices… knowing that everything has repercussions. Sounds like you are growing and stretching and that’s awesome! So much love to you on your journey! xo
Ok, so what if you married someone who loves you and you loved the feeling of being loved even though you have very little in common and you’re not physically attracted to him. You are with him for a very long time waiting for him to propose, mostly because no one else comes along who interests you more, and you don’t think anyone else could ever love you like he does because you have issues from your childhood that have left you with some difficulties. You have pushed away other nice men who are agressively intestested in you to be faithful to your boyfriend but you’re not attracted to them either and you don’t think they would really like you once they knew your secrets anyway. You get engaged and eight months before the wedding you meet a great guy who firts with you but you don’t really notice him because you’re planning your wedding and your head is all into your wedding business. Four months after the wedding, you get to know this other guy better, and realize you have tons in common with him and he is actually everything you’ve always wanted that you didn’t think existed!! You remember again what it feels like to be in love with someone who you really admire, and you haven’t been this enamored with anyone since high school before you met your current husband. You think CRAP! A day late and a dollar short. If you could only have met him even a few months before you got engaged to your husband! All the while, this other guy is too good of a person to ever admit it to a married woman but you suspect he would be very interested if you were unattached… and you can’t imagine breaking your husbands heart who you have much love for but sadly are not in love with, for this other guy if you don’t know for sure how the other guys feels. And even if the feeling is mutal, you’re not sure if he will still like you once he really knows you even though you really like him. I’m a married women but I feel like I’m in high school or something and I’m dying inside because I never thought I would care but now I’m obsessed with the thought that I’ve never had sex with anyone but my husband who I’m not attracted to and I won’t ever get the chance to see what it’s like to be with someone else. What on earth should I do?
Hey, Anon! I’m so very sorry to hear about your predicament! Nothing easy about it, that’s for sure! It sounds as though there are quite a few factors at play here, so my serious advice would be to get some support around this. I think I could easily give you my opinion, but I do think it would be so incredibly beneficial for you to find a coach, therapist, or someone that you trust that could help you work through this. I don’t think that it’s something that can easily be answered in a blog post comment. It sounds like you may have some deep soul searching to do in order to truly allow yourself to live your life on your terms, handle yourself with integrity and grace, and listen to your intuition. I wish you so much love and luck on your journey!
Amy,
Strangely I’ve been at peace a lot more since I wrote down my troubles to you. I think just actually admitting to myself what’s going on has been theraputic. When you have a secret it burns inside of you and when you finally speak it, somehow you have more power over it, and it doesn’t seem as bad. I think for now I’m going to focus on loving myself more than anything and just not worry too much about the men in my life. I’m not sure I’m ready to actually talk about this face to face with anyone, but I apprechiate your reccomendation. I’ve been to therapy recently but my doctor doesn’t seem to really care about me outside of the 50 minute session and doesn’t seem to know much about my condition. Thank you for your love and luck. You’re exactly right that I need to allow myself ot live life on my own terms. This is something I have yet to experiance.
Yay! I’m so glad to hear that! It never ceases to amaze me that we can get so much clarity and healing just from feeling heard… just from expressing what we have been keeping locked up in our own minds. I totally feel you on not being quite ready for face to face and I think you’ll know when you are ready. Again, I truly urge you to find someone you feel really comfortable with and who you trust and it can take a while sometimes. Also, in the meantime, you may want to check out http://www.TheSelfLoveRevolution.com. This is a side project I founded with my best friend and the purpose is to totally empower women to fiercely love themselves. All three of our programs are home study, so you could do everything in private. Anyway, just thought I’d throw that out there. Thank you for being so open, and again, I wish you so much love and luck! xo
This was a great audio piece of advice on marriage and struggling with the attraction to other people. I always beat myself up when I’m attracted to someone else, and in many of these cases, my relationship is fine. My husband isn’t doing anything wrong, but I still feel that guilt of fantasizing about other people. Part of me wonders since I struggle with being attracted to other men, is a single life more appropriate for me? Because my husband is so loyal, and flees from any possible temptations that come his way, but me? I like to entertain those emotions because I like to live on the edge sometimes, closer to danger, it makes me feel alive, as dark and twisted as that is. So I feel conflicted with myself sometimes because I feel that monogamy is a social code that we feel pressured to live under, but there are so many other cultures in history who were not monogamous, so there are clearly two ways of being in a relationship. As I get older, mature and grow into myself, I really do wonder about the ways of multiple partners, but have those feelings of shame, and fear to even dare act on that.