Published April 1, 2012 | 
I think there is a total epidemic sweeping our relationship lives these days: Mediocrity.
I see a small amount of couples who are sublimely happy and a small amount in extremely toxic relationships. Then there is this HUGE middle ground of people just getting by. Everything is just okay. Doin’ alright. But not thrilling. Not intense. Not lighting each other up. What gives? Could you perhaps be contributing to this mediocre relationship? Probably. May be time to start owning some shit… that is if you really want a thriving, amazing, fulfilling relationship.
A few reasons why your relationship may just be “ehhhh”:
1. Everything else is more important than your relationship. You name it: kids, work, friends, family, social life, whatever. Doesn’t matter what you’re putting above your relationship… the problem is that it isn’t a priority. Maybe you’ll get to it once you get that promotion, or when the kids or older, or when shit gets so bad that it’s an emergency. Seriously, why the fuck are you in a relationship that isn’t even important enough to spend time on? You want a happy relationship, then YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF IT. You don’t get to your 50th wedding anniversary by not paying attention. Take a quick inventory of how you spend your time. How much of that time is spent with this “love of your life”? Not much? Hmmmm… Sounds like you may need to re-work your priorities. Unless “good enough” is totally fulfilling for you… Just sayin’.
Why the fuck are you in a relationship that isn’t even important enough to spend time on?
2. You’re lazy. You’re tired. You don’t have time. The kids this and that… You name it: you’ve got your excuses on lock down. You have two choices: you either make time or make excuses. Your call. So, how have those excuses been working out?
3. You think you’re a victim and you’re committed to blame. You think this relationship is happening TO you instead of you being a contributing member. If only they would this and if only they would that… then you surely would be happy. (Note: I’m NOT talking abusive relationships here… totally different). Dude, man the fuck up. Take responsibility for your shit. Grow a little. Be a better partner. Talk to each other. Move past blame. Get help. OWN YOUR PIECE OF THIS PUZZLE. It doesn’t take one to tango after all…
4. You’re with the wrong person. So, here’s the deal: EVERYONE I have ever talked to who is 100% sure they are with their soul mate, will tell you, hands down that they KNOW they are with the love of their life, their soul mate. No questions asked. If I ask someone, “Is he/she your soul mate?” and there is hesitation or they say, “I’m not sure….” Then it’s pretty fucking simple. No. No, they are not in fact your ideal match. I believe you can be with someone who is “pretty good” for you and have a “pretty good” relationship… or a pretty good marriage even. BUT… I don’t think you can be with someone who is just “okay” for you and be sublimely happy. It just doesn’t work that way. If you want rich, intense intimacy, you have to be with a person who you don’t question. Who is a vibrational match. Who doesn’t make you wonder what else you could have had.
#4 You are with the WRONG person.
5. You avoid instead of tackle your issues. Pretty simple here. Instead of tackling the shit that the two of you need to tackle, you decide to fuck around pretending that nothing’s wrong… breeding nothing but more resentment and unhappiness. How many years do you want to build up an arsenal of regret, anger, and bitterness? I’m telling you right now… if you don’t straighten this shit out, then you WILL get to a point where it will be too late. It will get so bad that it’s actually way easier to separate, divorce, or break up then work through your shit. If you have issues, you HAVE to address them. Period.
In coaching, many times we’ll say, “Keep doin’ what you’re doin’ and get more of the same”. Pretty simple. You have three choices: pretend nothing’s wrong and stay stagnant and unfulfilled, move on, or actually put some effort into this relationship that YOU ARE A PART OF. You are deserving of true, thrilling love… complete intimate connection with another kindred spirit. You really are. But I can’t believe that for you. You have to believe it and actually want it enough to do something about it. It’s possible, my friend. Totally possible.
So… When you’re done reading this, nothing changes unless you do. Just sayin’.
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13 Responses to The Mediocrity Epidemic: 5 Reasons Your Relationship is Just “Okay”. (Or Maybe Kinda Sucks.)
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Amy, you are awesome. Plain and simple.
Number 4 really struck a chord with me about my last relationship. The entire 3 years we were together I fooled myself into believing he was The One, because that was what I wanted. Unfortunately it took a lot of heartache to convince myself otherwise and I now know I deserve someone who makes ME a priority, not the Playstation.
Keep on rockin’! Love your work!
Lana! Thank you so much, my dearest!! So, here’s what is so amazing about where you are right now: YOU get to decide RIGHT NOW exactly WHO you are going to be in your next relationship. You don’t need to carry any of that shit into the next relationship if that is what you choose. Also, you get to be super clear about what you will and won’t tolerate the next time around. From here on out, you get to call the shots! I don’t know you that well, but I would bet my life that you sure as fuck are way cooler than a damn Playstation. Truly appreciate your support. So much. xo
Love this, #4 really hit home with me. I’m not sure if my hubby and I’s polarity is just neutralized because of our tendencies (him to lean toward feminine/me toward masculine – we’ve been working on trying to return to what is more natural for us), or if he’s just not “the one.” My gut says NO, he’s not, but other than our (non-existant) sex life, it’s all good. Well, there ya go – “GOOD,” not Blissful!
How/when do I KNOW, that it’s time to walk away because he doesn’t “light my fire?” I question whether I’m even thinking/feeling straight. How do I know it’s something that we can’t fix?
NOW is the time to leave. Trust me, the longer you delay the harder it will be for you both. And it’s only fair to you and your partner to quit pushing something that won’t budge.
Hey, Jessi! Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I do think that it is sometimes a bit more complicated than just heading for the hills. Take a look at my other comment to Heather below and let me know your thoughts! xo
Such a great question, Heather, and trust me, there is nothing easy about this. Here’s a metaphor that may help you… Say you went to a restaurant and the food you ate made you want to puke… do you keep eating it until your body begins to tolerate it? No, you listen to your body and go, ok, so that doesn’t work well with my system. That’s like being in a toxic relationship. Now, say you go to the restaurant and you have a dish that is just ok. Or you thought it was really good in the beginning, but as you start eating it you realize that it’s definitely not the end all be all for your taste buds… BUT you could deal with it. You could probably eat it every day and be just fine. But thrilled with your food? Naaaa. That is like the “okay” relationship. Now, lets say you order some food that you are over the moon about. The minute it hits your mouth, you KNOW for sure that you body DIGS this food. Everything about it works for you. That is like the blissful relationship. Unfortunately, we don’t treat our emotional frequency or our intuition with the same respect we give our stomachs. If we feel like we’re going to puke or even “ehh” about food, WE MAKE A NOTE OF IT AND WE RESPECT OUR BODY’S MESSAGE. I have a theory, that many people know from the beginning that they are with someone just “pretty good” from the beginning, but they DON’T LISTEN to their intuitions and find all these other reasons to try out a life of mediocrity. So, these are my thoughts… just like the second food option, you can probably go on forever with just okay. And many people live the entire duration of their lives like this. Here’s what you have to find out for YOU: Is it important to you to find that magical spark, that electric connection to another soul? For some, the comfort, the stability, the familiarity is actually more important to them then the risk of finding that person. That may be your biggest question here. You have to decide FIRST what is the most important thing to you. There is risk. For sure. Now, I also do believe that you can eat that same meal enough where is begins to grow on you and ends up being your absolute favorite meal. That’s what can happen when you really care take for a relationship that didn’t start off intense and crazy connected. I totally think you can grow into soulmates… discover your connection. I think you need to look at a)what are the most important things to you in the relationship b)have you done everything in your power to attain those things and c)at what point will you be at peace with walking away. Sure hope that helps, my love. In fact, I may use this topic for my next post. Thank you for being so open and candid. So much love to you.
Thanks Amy, that was really helpful. I get really frustrated with how “blah” things are but I’m so buried in my work that I don’t even notice and it keeps me from putting my full attention on spicing things up. We’re always “working on ourselves and our relationship” but if whatever we’re doing isn’t really making a difference, we need to make a shift and stop coasting in neutral – no more mediocrity!
Thanks again!
xoxo, my sweet.
I think you nailed it with this blog. At various points & times I can identify levels of all 5 issues. I think identifying them is the first step & now I can work on fixing them.
You are so right… I think identifying them can be the toughest part! I think it’s easy for people to think, well, we’re not miserable, so they just let it be mediocre for years before one day they wake up and realize they just have a roommate… or business partner. I always say that relationships don’t fall apart over night… they fall apart over time due to lack of maintenance. If you get stuck in a rut and choose not to acknowledge that rut, then good fucking luck. Glad to hear you are recognizing what you need. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment! xo
I have been in this state of ambivalence for some time with my relationship. We moved in only after 5 months, and I definitely feel like something is missing…no passion, no intimacy and just plain boring, but it is super hard for me to end it. I have tried, but I have not had the follow through, since we live together. He is not a bad guy at all, a good guy, but I think only after 1 year of being together (total) we should still have that chemistry…blah…I have been going back and forth in my mind for the last 3 months, and it is super draining…I just wish there was a neon sign saying, “yes, stay!!” or “no, leave”
Hey, Carrie! Thank you so very much for reading and commenting! So… I know you want a blaring sign, and from what I can gather it sounds like you do. The fact that you aren’t lit up, passionate, and never really have been, indicates to me that you are holding on to other things. Stability, routine, and possibly fear of starting over. One of my favorite quotes is “I’m terrified of change, but even more terrified not to.” When you think of what your life will look like in 5 years if you do nothing, does that excite you? It’s okay for him to be an amazing guy and still not be the one for you. Staying in a relationship due to guilt or comfort is totally normal, but also completely unfulfilling. Good luck to you on your journey, and lean into your intuition… sounds like its been screaming the answer at you for a long time. xo
I was in your situation too..(and by now you may have nipped the issue in the bud!
However I ended up with a really sweet guy who was nice and fun, but he didnt make me laugh like I needed to laugh, and the chemistry wasnt a good fit so I ended it. He left me at a restaurant for me to fix the bill and that was that!
I cannot believe how positive that experience was, I never thought for a million years all the tears of guilt would put me where I am today, all I know is after that experience was that I was following my gut (which leading up to the break up was seriously starting to make me feel so sick and lethargic) and I now know what type of guy is best for me.
It may be hard, but I recommend breaking up (if you haven’t already) it is a huge growing experience and your gut will thank you, oh the relief!
X